This Is My Confession
by dolcegrazia
Summary: Lorelai's been hiding several keys things about her past.
1. Idioms

**This Is My Confession**

A Gilmore Girls melodrama

_Disclaimer_: I own zilch as far as Gilmore Girls goes. I mean, besides the DVDs.

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So, this is my confession. This is me wiping the slate. This is me coming clean.

Alright, enough with the idioms.

Let's get right to the point, shall we?

When I was sixteen, I got pregnant. We all know that. But it wasn't the first or last time the stick turned pink. And now I sound like the sluttiest of sluts, but I swear, that wasn't the case.

The first time I got pregnant wasn't my fault. I know, "it takes two to tango", but this wasn't the tango. The tango is honest, romantic, and at best- enjoyed by both who are partaking. I was raped. Date raped. Cue several verses of the Sublime song. Right on.

I was fourteen, I drank too much, and I got what was coming to me. If the rape wasn't traumatic enough, finding out I was pregnant had me falling apart. Abortions were nowhere near as accessible then as they are now. So that was out. I resigned myself to running away, having the baby, and giving it up for adoption. I was eleven weeks pregnant and just starting to show when I lost the baby. I was relieved if nothing else, but I've spent a lot of time thinking and imagining what my life and the baby's life would've been like had I not miscarried.

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That's chapter one. It should be evident that Lorelai is narrating this. Sorry this is so short, but I wanted to split the chapters, and not have just one long one. Please review!


	2. Never Memories

**This Is My Confession**

Thanks for the great reception on this story. I'm enjoying writing it. This is another short chapter. I think they're all going to be rather short.

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I was not quite sixteen when Rory was conceived on the balcony outside my bedroom. I knew almost instantaneously that something was not right. So, I was hardly surprised when I took the infamous test seven weeks later and it came out positive. I knew what being pregnant felt like, but I didn't dare tell anyone that part. I got used to the idea of having a baby, so when I got past the eleven week mark, past the time when baby #1 was lost, I was relieved. Happy, even.

Rory was born three weeks early; ten fingers, ten toes, and absolutely perfect. I knew I would get to watch her grow and learn and I would be proud of everything she would do. I was a mother now. Even though I knew deep down that I became a mother two years earlier, to a child that I would never watch grow or learn, but whose memory would inhabit my heart for as long as I lived.

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Very short. Whoops. But I hope you've enjoyed this tidbit. I'll try to have the next chapter be somewhat longer. Please keep reviewing!


	3. The Light of my Life

**This Is My Confession**

Chapter 3

Author's Note: Thanks for the great reviews! I'm so appreciative. This chapter is longer than the first two. Enjoy! And keep reviewing!

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I got a lot of slack for having Rory while I was still a kid. I knew it wasn't the ideal situation but I was going to make due. I was going to give my daughter a stable, non-intrusive, fun (!) home, which was, not surprisingly, the complete opposite of my early life. Rory was the life of my life. No wait; she _is_ the light of my life. She was walking by 10 months, reading by three, and almost fully self-sufficient by six. I think the only reason she didn't kick me to the curb was because I could reach the popsicles in the freezer. She and I moved to Stars Hollow when Rory was 14 months old. I could not live in Hartford anymore, under Richard and Emily's roof and judging eyes. Stars Hollow intrigued me at first. It actually still intrigues me, which I think is a good thing. I fell in love with it, and Rory soon followed suit. It took a while to get used to being a parent and the sole caretaker of a totally innocent life. I never tell people this but when Rory was almost two, I left her in the potting shed when I went to work at the Inn. It took me almost an hour to remember Rory. I ran like Wile E. Coyote back to the shed, to find Rory, happy as a clam, playing with a toy on the floor. The fact that I forgot about Rory that day still haunts me. Maybe I couldn't take care of my daughter? It took me a while to get past the idea that I was a sucky parent. When Rory finally started school, I was secretly pleased that I would have time to myself. How terrible. But when Rory started to immerse herself in schoolwork, I thought that she was closing herself off from me. That she was avoiding me. But I know that's not true. I just have a book nerd for a daughter.

I've been the best parent I could be to Rory. But I couldn't always pull double duty. I couldn't be her father, too. Christopher came and went as he pleased. He and Rory would bond and then he would leave again. Shattering her hopes and mine. I can't say that I wanted to get back together with him, but he always led me on. When Rory was seven, I made another big mistake. I slept with Christopher. Which would happen virtually every time he came to visit. Stupid, I know. But this time, reminiscent of that rendezvous on the balcony seven years prior, I got pregnant again.

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All done. Please review, kids!


	4. Caroline

**I'm so sorry that it took forever for me to update. I've been working fulltime so I'm incredibly busy. I hope everyone is having a great summer!**

I should've just moved down to Arkansas and changed my name to Bobbie-Jo. I had gotten pregnant three times by the time I was twenty three and I was very aware of how white trash it appeared. We were safe, though. We were always safe. I don't know what happened, but yet again, I found myself pregnant with Christopher's baby. Christopher was both my Prince Charming and the worst thing to ever happen to me. I mean, Rory is not a regret of mine. She was a blessing that came out of a horrible situation. I didn't think I could handle another pregnancy and especially another kid, though. However, I came to realize that I couldn't kill my own child. So, I went through with the pregnancy. Although we weren't romantically involved, I stayed with Christopher for the duration plus a month or so after the baby was born. Rory stayed with Mia during that time and never asked any questions. I gave birth to her sister on February 15th.

Three weeks later, I returned to my life is Stars Hollow as if nothing had happened. As if I hadn't just given birth. But it had to be that way. I named my second daughter Caroline Sophia Gilmore. Christopher's sister Joanna offered to raise Caroline. Joanna moved to Nevada six months later and I never hear from her. Caroline will be fourteen years old soon. Time has gone by faster than I would have liked. I think about her every day. I think about the girl she might be. Is she a bookworm like Rory? Does she have my blue eyes or Chris' hazel? Does she like Red Vines? It tears me up. It tears me up to look at Rory and know that she has a kid sister she's never met, let alone knows exists. It tears me up that I'll probably never meet my daughter. But maybe that's for the best? No, no- that's bullshit. It's not for the best. I'm not better off imagining. Dwelling. I'm not better off wondering if life would've been better had I decided to keep Caroline. Or if life would've been better had my first child been born. Grief is something I've never been good at.

I never mourned the loss of two of my children. And that isn't fair to them. Or me.

**Please review! There could be spin-off potential as far as this chapter goes, but I'm not positive. But be on the lookout! **


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